Don't Watch Yourself Drive

Rainy Mid-Night Snack by MSVG

Yesterday in Aikido (one of the classes we have to take for our degree - I love being an actor), Sensei watched my classmate Sean and I while we were practicing a throw. I knew I had done something weird in it, so I made a face. You know, one of those "damn, why did I do that?" faces. Sensei looked and me and said, "Why did you make that face?" I said "I just knew I did something wrong." Sensei then said, "Maybe, but if you're the one correcting yourself then what am I supposed to do? Do you want to take over my job?"

Since then, I've been thinking about judgement. I judge myself so much throughout the day. It's like I'm trying to be my own teacher in order to make myself into a "perfect" student-person every second of the day.

WOW is that not helpful in creativity.

However, as actors, we are often left in the position where we have to direct ourselves. We have to make our own choices and be our own artistic judges. In audition material, for example, or in scene work for class. In auditions, it helps a TON to get a coach, so that you're not trying to both do and watch, but in scene work, your work usually doesn't get seen by the teacher until you go up in class. In rehearsal for scene work, I'm trying to learn how to help myself make artistic choices, but it's so hard not to get caught up in seeing all of the flaws of what you've done to the point where you are no longer acting the scene but watching it.

You have to somehow find the balance between experiencing and critiquing.

In singing, I think it's easier to find because you can record it - so that later you can think about what you heard. In acting, I think it's maybe just a matter of being flexible and being able to switch between the two sides - essentially teacher and student. Be the student while you are doing, and be the teacher afterward when you are observing.

It's a balance that I'm continually trying to find.

And, when I forget, my voice teacher likes to remind me of this by saying "Don't get out of the car in order to watch yourself drive."